Today, we're giving you our review, and we're breaking down everything from Jurassic World Rebirth. Did it leave us disappointed? Did we want more? Did it actually save the Jurassic movie franchise? We're gonna get into all that, and we're gonna be ranking this movie among all of the Jurassic movies on an all new episode of Unbinged.
Alfredo Brown:Get started.
Samantha Holt:This is your official spoiler warning. If you have not gone out to see Jurassic World Rebirth, go out and watch it and come back and watch the show. But, also, keep in mind, we are gonna be going over every single Jurassic Park movie. So if you haven't seen any of them, maybe go and watch all of them and do the full rewatch that we did and have some fun.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. I have learned.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Sorry. I just I agree with that sentiment. Go watch all the movies if you haven't. They're great.
Samantha Holt:They're fun.
Alfredo Brown:Big supporter of the movies. Got it. I He's coming in like
Jagger May:the movies. That's right.
Alfredo Brown:Is all staying in, by the way. I'm
Matthew Kopfhamer:not ending this out. This is this is fantastic. Monday.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. So
Jagger May:I I can't let
Matthew Kopfhamer:you share it. Of course. Of course, I'm gonna support Samantha's sentiment about going out and watching all the movies.
Alfredo Brown:Dude, we're doing it absolutely.
Jagger May:Vibes. Big Hammond vibes.
Alfredo Brown:Big Hammond energy from cough right now.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Where's my gray
Alfredo Brown:kids? Alright. Alright. Alright. Let's let's do what we came here to do.
Alfredo Brown:Let's talk about some dinosaurs. In our pre show talk Dinosaurs. I cough cough. I'm gonna put you in time out if you don't stop. In our our pre show talk, I have come to realize that I might be on island with this one.
Alfredo Brown:I'm I'm gonna save my review and my discussion for last year. I did not enjoy this film. Like, I really just didn't. It was it to me, it was hollow. It was kinda boring at times too.
Alfredo Brown:There were some great things. But I wanna hear from you guys because you guys all seem to be a little bit higher than me on this. And, cough, Jesus, you're like a golden retriever that's been waiting for its owner to come home all day. So let's just start with you because I feel like you're just gonna jump in on everyone else's reviews.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Probably. I had so much fun with this film. It wasn't the best movie by any means. It wasn't I wouldn't even say it was a great movie. It was it was a fun movie, though.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Like, it was well made. The the the CGI actually looked great. Going back and doing the rewatch, it was striking to me how much better Jurassic the three Jurassic Park movies looked than the three Jurassic World up until this point looked because of the overreliance on kinda shitty CGI. So I think this movie actually did a really good job of, at least it looked like a blend of practical and CGI. So I think the visuals looked really good.
Matthew Kopfhamer:And I think the biggest problem with this movie going into it was the marketing. I think it was overhyped. I think they kinda spoiled. If they hadn't left the D Rex out of any marketing and let that be kind of a surprise in the movie, I think it would've hit better. But I enjoyed it.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It was basically a remix of the lost world in Jurassic Park three. And to me, that's kind of going back to what Jurassic park should be is these smaller stories. Like, I don't need the the dinosaurs out in the real world. Like, I thought that was really smart of them to kind of pull it back and be like, yeah, they're all dead now because they didn't live near the Equator. So Yes.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Science. Enjoyed it. Yep. I enjoyed it. I I had a good time with it.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I love dinosaurs. You put a dinosaur movie on. I'm gonna watch it.
Alfredo Brown:Oh, yeah. I mean, yes. Simple, man. Let's let's do this. Like, we don't normally we usually say this for the end, but, like, today, we're gonna not only talk and review this movie, but we're gonna rank this amongst all the Jurassic Park movies.
Alfredo Brown:So let's after you finish your piece, why don't you just give us give us your score? On a scale of one to 10, where where do you have this movie as a score, Koff?
Matthew Kopfhamer:I have this at a solid seven. I think it I think there was room for it to be better, but I think it was, it was a good ride. It was all fun. And I I thought the story was, you know, it was pretty thin, but that's kind of all Jurassic World and Jurassic Park movies.
Alfredo Brown:Your your review went up. Because when you finished, you said it was six six point five around there. Now it's a seven.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I've thought about it. I've thought about it over the last few days, and I I think it's better than what my initial reaction was.
Alfredo Brown:You let it marinate. Alright. Mhmm. Jag, we'll tear it.
Jagger May:I went in on some ratatouille type shit ready to judge this movie, and I couldn't help but have a good time by watching it. And, like, Alfredo, pre show you're like, I thought this was cheeks. And I'm like, I don't think it's quite cheap. Think it's higher than cheeks. If anything, it's the dimples above the cheeks or maybe like a
Alfredo Brown:Those are cute. Those are cute. Tramp stamp. There we go.
Jagger May:Yeah. Like a short trip. Yeah. Like Little trashy. It's trashy.
Jagger May:But if I'm wanting a good time on a Friday night, I'm gonna I'm gonna smash.
Alfredo Brown:This is this is bulk of alley nachos. Yeah. Yeah. McUltras.
Jagger May:And I wish they would have kinda marketed it as that. Like, it because it's like you said, if anything, what made me kind of sour when I went into it was like, this is the best ever. The franchise is back. Everyone It's
Alfredo Brown:called rebirth.
Jagger May:Yeah. Exactly. I went in my head writing jokes already. I'm gonna say more like after birth or just something completely like off the fucking cock or some shit like that. But it was fun, and I think the thin plot helped a little bit.
Jagger May:Like, the things that annoyed me, it's was easy to ignore once I got into the action because a lot of the reason why I hated the Jurassic World movies prior to this was, like, we gotta save all the dinosaurs because they matter too. Oh, by the way, this little girl's a clone. We'll we'll deal with that
Matthew Kopfhamer:in a whole movie. He needed that storyline.
Jagger May:Yeah. It was more like, they're all dead. They got some medicine in the blood. Go get it, and let's get the fuck out. That's all I really need.
Jagger May:You know?
Alfredo Brown:Alright. Where do where do you have this one, rated out on a scale of one to 10?
Jagger May:Six and a half. That's as close as I can get to a lie seven. And that's, like, six and a half I'm recommending with caveats. Like, don't go in like you're gonna you're trying to flex on your letterboxed account. You know?
Jagger May:Like, go in just to take up time for two hours.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. Sam, Sunshine Sammy, why is this a nine and a half for you? I'm just kidding. I don't know.
Samantha Holt:Oh my god. No. I'm not gonna give it a nine and a half, crying out loud. Maybe what I should do is instead give my number and then work backwards. So I do feel like this is a six and a half for me too.
Samantha Holt:Because we did such a thorough rewatch, and we all read the books as well. So we went real deep back into the content to get the full storyline. I think for me, when I was doing the reread as well as the rewatches, I was excited for this movie because I was thinking there's so much content left in the written material. I'm hoping they get some of that in here. And they did.
Samantha Holt:They got the raft scene into this movie, which I think was really pivotal and amazing from the book. They tweaked it to fit in the movie, but it's kinda like they forced fit some really good writing into the movie. And though I love the scene and when I write you read that part in the book, it's you're on the edge of your seat. You're just holding your breath as you're waiting for the scene to play out. And you kind of feel that in the movie as well.
Samantha Holt:They extended into the rapid scene, which was really cool, and the the chase was really nice. There were a lot of good moments and action movie moments in this film. And I think that's what made it a fun ride, but not necessarily a good story. So for me, I really, like, enjoyed the ride. It was a lot of fun.
Samantha Holt:And literal ride, because I went and saw it in cinema four x d, three d, which is the one where your chairs move and there's wind and water spraying at you, was really, really fun for I
Jagger May:don't know if I like that. That's like Oh, no.
Samantha Holt:It was fun. Ew. No. No. It was fun.
Samantha Holt:Like the
Matthew Kopfhamer:way the thing.
Jagger May:It's the water. I'm like, where is this water coming from? I've worked in a theater. Like, I don't trust any of you 16 year olds. It's like
Samantha Holt:Well, it's coming out of the ceiling.
Alfredo Brown:It wasn't coming out
Samantha Holt:of the popcorn floor. You know? It was although because The idea of Jags
Alfredo Brown:sitting in a theater getting sprayed with water, then finding out afterwards, not four d x. Just a regular ass movie.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It's just some kids getting water, Evan.
Jagger May:What do you mean it's just real deeds?
Samantha Holt:Oh, that would totally ruin the whole experience. But no. But just saying it was a really literal fun ride. And when you look at what you're supposed to enjoy from these movies is the action, the fun, the adventure, it definitely had that. But in terms of the story, it felt kind of loose and kind of thrown together.
Samantha Holt:We had these very two different story lines, and then they got thrown together with the father with his kids and the boyfriend that I just wish died. Never did.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah.
Samantha Holt:And then
Matthew Kopfhamer:He's very annoying.
Samantha Holt:Very, very annoying.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I was hoping the raptor would get him.
Samantha Holt:Yes. And it's also upsetting that, like, the entire family survives. Yeah. I wanted the raptor. I'm let me get back to the raptors.
Samantha Holt:I wanted someone from the family. It's it's gonna sound terrible. I wanted someone from that group to die because you've got this other group of mercenaries that are supposed to be trained amazing at what they do at keeping people alive, and they just keep dying every, like, ten minutes. The only reason they have
Matthew Kopfhamer:a group of
Samantha Holt:things they do is to keep killing them off.
Matthew Kopfhamer:When Dario DeHarris got got I was like, thank god. That guy sucked. Ugh.
Jagger May:You knew he was
Matthew Kopfhamer:gonna die. He's the same
Jagger May:he's the same guy at every movie. He's oh, I've got an accent. Ajax. I'm a big cunt.
Alfredo Brown:You know? Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Your superhero name? Name Ajax.
Alfredo Brown:Name tag just says big cunt on it.
Jagger May:Yeah. And then, like, when they needed him immediately, I'm like, thank god. I was like, I don't know if I could spend ninety minutes of this motherfucker. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Best part of the movie.
Samantha Holt:All of those characters, you could tell, like, you could tell exactly who was dying off and when they were dying off from that entire
Matthew Kopfhamer:So who's the red shirt? Who's the red shirt? All of them.
Jagger May:The what was
Matthew Kopfhamer:the Oh, the French chick?
Jagger May:Was he yeah. The no. The Yeah. The both of the French people. Lots of French.
Jagger May:He went down. Yeah. As soon as he went down, I'm like, oh, yeah. They sent bait down first. I'm like, can't let Mahershala Ali go.
Alfredo Brown:You know?
Jagger May:It's too expensive. The shit that did annoy me a little bit. And I I messaged you guys. Well, it's shit like that. And it's like, I wish sometimes in these movies that you know, a lot of times nature will kill you before dinosaurs will.
Jagger May:Like, I feel
Matthew Kopfhamer:like. Yeah.
Jagger May:Because, like, homie straight up takes water directly from there. I'm like, that's dysentery, bud. Boom. I'm like, you got, like, amazing
Alfredo Brown:played Oregon Trail.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Fuck no. Died.
Jagger May:Also, the
Samantha Holt:plane above it's got blood dripping into it. So, like, of course, tank
Matthew Kopfhamer:like Yep.
Samantha Holt:I'm sorry. You've got dead body water that
Alfredo Brown:you biomed company. Yeah. Yeah. He's
Matthew Kopfhamer:Not even that. Dirty water. It's fine.
Alfredo Brown:Dirty water.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It's fine.
Jagger May:Yeah. I was just I'm sorry. I don't mean to get nerdy, guys, but that's that's that's just survival one zero one, baby. Was like can Raw water.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Sorry to sorry to take your response in, but can we talk about how the ending, like, would have been a natural segue into a sequel if they had just kind of left it ambiguous if Mahershala Ali's character lived or died? And then they would had to go back to find like, get him in the next movie, but they were just like, no. He's fine. We're all going home. Oh, worry.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Are they gonna go with Alfredo?
Alfredo Brown:Segue to a sequel, my guy. Wait for me. Wait for my rant.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Okay.
Alfredo Brown:I'm excited.
Samantha Holt:Oh, wait. So now we have to ask wait. Alfredo, you asked us all of our opinions, and you're ready to talk about this being total ass.
Alfredo Brown:So Yes. Not total ass, but, like
Matthew Kopfhamer:Just big old cheeks.
Alfredo Brown:Just small cheeks. No. No. Lowercase c cheeks.
Jagger May:Like, this isn't Fresh fresh powdered cheeks, like baby powdered cheeks or
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Sure. Why not? Like, a little raw with some chafing. Like, it's just it's not cute cheeks, like, at all.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. So let me let me let me paint this picture for you. Koff, you and I are, like we're we're 35 now. You and I, we used to hang out with our college buddies almost every weekend and go play football and basketball and everything, and those are the good times, man. That's when we were still we were still in it.
Alfredo Brown:We were able to go play. We were able to do this, right? Like, we could we could go out there, have fun, and maybe someone gets hurt every once in while. Mostly it was me. But now if we were to go out at this age, at our level of activity to go and try and, let's say, play some flag football again with the guys, it would be just a utter place.
Alfredo Brown:Utter disaster. Right? That's where I feel like we're at with the Jurassic franchise is that it's just middle aged dudes going back out to relive the glory days over and over, and they just can't quite do it. And it's like, you know, like, get Koff, every time we're playing, we're like, oh, man. That was so cool.
Alfredo Brown:We made such a great play. And there was one time where one of the guys had
Matthew Kopfhamer:a GoPro.
Alfredo Brown:We rewatched it, and we're like, this is fucking embarrassing. I hope nobody
Matthew Kopfhamer:ever sees us do Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:Like, it it's bad. And that's how I felt with this. It sort of it just felt like this hollow movie that they're like, alright. Let's check the boxes. We got the cool freaky dinosaurs.
Alfredo Brown:Check. We got the guy that directed Godzilla and Rogue One. Check. We got, big movie stars, Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali. Let's get a few other, supporting characters.
Alfredo Brown:Check. Like, we did all the things. Now let's call it rebirth because we know the last Jurassic World sucked ass and we want to start this over. So let's give people hope. Check.
Alfredo Brown:Like, they hit everything that they needed to do to make us get interested. And then we got there and we're like, this is 40 year old dudes trying to play flag football on a Sunday morning, and it just it doesn't hit for me. And it's it's there's so many things from the opening scene, cough, like you talk about how the by the way, dumbest name ever, the distortus rex, D Rex. I called it the Dorenosaurus Rex because it just looks stupid. Shit.
Jagger May:Dirt. Distortus? I'm pretty sure that's for Mad Max. There's, like, someone in Mad Max named, like, Distortus.
Alfredo Brown:It's just like, it was it was It's very dumb. It's very stupid. Was a little annoying. It's just like a it's a silly rancor. You see, like, how slow it is?
Alfredo Brown:It's like, it's not really that scary.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I liked it, though. I thought it was sent because it's, well, that's the thing. It's it's it's it's a mutant. Like, they didn't really try to they they tried to mix what I read a titan titanosaur with a T Rex, and that's why it's got that weird fucking looking head. But it did it went horribly awry, and so it's basically suffering.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It's basically, like Killed. A Siamese twin that yeah. Literally. That's
Alfredo Brown:exactly what
Jagger May:it is. That's exactly what it is.
Alfredo Brown:Horrible for it. I'm watching. It's just like a fucking
Matthew Kopfhamer:But I like
Alfredo Brown:wants to die.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. The last couple of movies were like, it's it's it's a hybrid. It's hyper intelligent, and it's pissed. And it's like, I don't need that.
Jagger May:It's like, we mixed
Alfredo Brown:The Indominus was basically Michael Myers.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. Literally.
Jagger May:Yeah. Yeah. And it camouflaged. Yeah. The Adaminus, they're like, we mixed it with every killer in the world, steroids, cocaine, a little bit of racism.
Jagger May:Just a little bit of angry. Exactly. Like, they were just doing wild shit. And but, like, I agree with Koff because, like, you've heard me complain. I hate Kaijus.
Jagger May:Like, like, Godzilla minus one is the only Kaiju that I've liked, but this one made sense because you literally got something that's like, why the fuck am I alive? It's just like looking around, and it's just like, please put a bullet in my head. I look like
Matthew Kopfhamer:a This is Shin Godzilla.
Jagger May:Yeah. Yeah. It it looks like a Xenomorph fucked a beluga well. And like like like that that's what she did.
Alfredo Brown:That's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. But, like, honestly, I look at that, and I get I get this the the picture you guys are painting, and I can appreciate that.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It's very dumb.
Alfredo Brown:To me, this this whole thing was supposed to be sort of a return to horror for the Jurassic franchise, and I felt like the movie just didn't have any guts. Like, they didn't pick a lane. Either Yeah. Either be a return to horror, have some dinosaurs. Like, you had this opportunity with mutant dinosaurs.
Alfredo Brown:Make them scary as shit and make it just all mercenaries, well trained people with weapons, and they're still dying. Because you know what?
Matthew Kopfhamer:No kids.
Alfredo Brown:Kids and families are still gonna go see that. They're still gonna go see it because dinosaurs and all that. This whole thing so, like, just my my gripes. Right? The Snickers bar, Final Destination shit That was starts it all.
Matthew Kopfhamer:That was very dumb.
Alfredo Brown:That was Like, right out the gate, I was like, oh, we're You're
Matthew Kopfhamer:not you when you're hungry.
Alfredo Brown:And no one told no
Jagger May:one told homie. It's like, hey. You're way too far with that snicker wrap. Like, he couldn't have thrown it away. There's not a waistband.
Samantha Holt:He's wearing a clean suit. Like, this is, like, has been used for wearing this since day one. Like, hey. Nothing gets into the okay. Cool.
Samantha Holt:Cool. Cool. Every single day, I'm gonna live by that rule until the one day. I'm too hungry. I need a Snickers.
Samantha Holt:And the rapper
Jagger May:Was that Dennis Nedry, like like grandson or some shit? Probably
Matthew Kopfhamer:Must have been.
Alfredo Brown:Have been. Just disgusting word information.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Let's talk about a safety measure where it's like, oh, this one door doesn't work, so all the doors don't work. What kind of safety security system is that?
Jagger May:This one door works by shark vacuum. Like, that's it. If you get anything clogged in that fucker,
Alfredo Brown:you're around, man.
Jagger May:It's like room Dyson. This ain't a Dyson.
Matthew Kopfhamer:This is some engine.
Samantha Holt:A several ton metal door, and then one Snickers wrapper just undoes it. I'm like, what? Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:Okay. So, like, that's Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:That was
Alfredo Brown:first gripe. It's small. You can overlook it. You can hand wave it away and be like, you know what? Mutant dinosaurs, whatever.
Alfredo Brown:You know? Like, the shit always has to go wrong for this to make yeah. Exactly. Like, it was gonna learn the code or something.
Jagger May:Yeah. I'm still as low I'm still not as low as you, but one gripe I did have, and this is me, I am so fucking tired of, like I hated Jonathan Bay Bailey's character. I I you you talked about wanted wanted, like, the kids to die. I fucking hate I hate that archetype of character that that JP has now made for itself. Let's just not let's call it J Dub.
Jagger May:Not like, let's separate JP from it. Like, it it's the, oh, well, they're dinosaurs, and I love them. And every time I touch one, I almost come in my pants. It's
Alfredo Brown:just The dinosaur apologist, basically.
Jagger May:Yes, dude. They're idiots.
Matthew Kopfhamer:They're innocent creatures. It's like, what?
Jagger May:He's like, he'll I think it's a sin to kill the dinosaurs. I'm like, okay, buddy. You're clearly missed out on the first three movies. It's it's like,
Alfredo Brown:you know what's happening?
Matthew Kopfhamer:Not only that, but it's like nature doesn't think it's a sin because nature's killing these motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. So It was an
Jagger May:abomination to bring them back. It was like, that's my
Alfredo Brown:problem. Like
Jagger May:like, to to tell you, Alfredo, I was pissed off, and then when they got to the island, I was better because they stopped trying to, like, just talk. They quit talking. It's actually what happened. They quit That's okay.
Alfredo Brown:That is okay. So all the talking, which is is crazy that in a movie, we're like, yeah, dialogue, not great. Get us to more dinosaurs. Right?
Matthew Kopfhamer:Hey. Example, see Star Wars. Same thing.
Alfredo Brown:Okay. But, like, the whole thing starts off with the movie saying, people are bored of dinosaurs. So buckle up. You're gonna get two fucking hours of this.
Jagger May:Like, what? What?
Alfredo Brown:It's crazy. And then and then, like, I want I really wanted to like it. And the premise is, like it's just the same premise over and over, the corporate greed. And, you know, for one person, which, like, Scarlet Johnson just sort of, like, just just shadow appears out of nowhere in the guy's car. And then it's just like, well, I'll give you $10,000,000 if you go to this island.
Alfredo Brown:And she's like, fuck. Yeah. I'm in. And then Jonathan Bailey's character, he's like, you know what? You ain't lived until you've touched them in the wild.
Alfredo Brown:And then he's like, alright. I guess I'm going. And it's like they're just I I there's always stupid reasons why these people go to the island anyways or and and be in the dinosaur situation anyways. I, like, I never found myself catching on to be like, I'm really rooting for these people even though they were trying to find this cure for heart disease. Like, I didn't connect to the characters.
Alfredo Brown:They do this whole expo dump in the boat where she's like, yeah, my partner died when we were on a mission, and who the hell cares?
Matthew Kopfhamer:Or or whatever. Well
Alfredo Brown:yeah. And then, like, what about your wife? You guys still together? Nope. We got divorced because our son died, and we couldn't look at
Jagger May:each other.
Samantha Holt:It's like
Alfredo Brown:like, and it's like, damn. They really packed everything into two minutes of dialogue to give you all the expo dump. And then, like, it gets followed up with, here's random family sailing a boat across the Atlantic Ocean, one adult male, some teenagers, and a little girl, and they're sailing in the only part of the world where you're basically not supposed to fucking go, the Equator, because that's where the mosasaurus hangs out. And they're just like, fuck it. You know, there's other boats out here.
Alfredo Brown:What are the chances? And immediately, like, they get they get blown over. I I it's like there was just Yeah. Like, I'm sorry. I I don't wanna be that guy that, like, we keep doing angry reviews or, like, just crying about movies because movies are supposed to be fun.
Alfredo Brown:Alright? And this movie had a ton of things that were fun. I loved the whole scene on the big boat with the mosasaur. I thought that was actually really fucking cool.
Matthew Kopfhamer:That was cool. And That's very cool.
Alfredo Brown:I think what almost disappointed me is I felt like the movie peaked early. And then from there, we started to get, like, deaths of characters that I didn't care about. Like, Koff, you mentioned the the the female mercenary who, like, actually dies from behind the box, so you don't really see it. And then
Matthew Kopfhamer:You don't see the death. You just see the the blood in the aftermath, which was interest it was an interesting choice.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. And so it's just like, I I wanted it to pick its lane. Either be the whimsical family friendly thing that's gonna have humor and big beautiful dinosaurs and lean into the majestic, you know, Jurassic Park thing or be the horror film that, like, you had probably set out to be. And I think no matter like, if you pick the horror film, I think you're probably still getting families to go out to this. And the the the thing about this whole movie, and and we'll move on from this because we've taken a long time to do this, is that we're going to get more.
Alfredo Brown:This movie is crushing in the box office. Absolutely crushing in the like, it's going to be probably the number one Jurassic film in terms of money earned already. We're going to get, like, two more Jurassic movies.
Jagger May:And it's just good enough where the normies on TikTok I mean, they're already saying it. They're just like, oh my god. This is I've only seen six movies ever, and this is the best one. Like, it it's like the what's that meme? Homie that's only seen Boss Baby.
Jagger May:He's like, this giving me Boss Baby.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Reminds me of Boss Baby.
Jagger May:Yeah. Like, this is like, that it sucks that our media and, like, TikTok's ran by people like that, but it really is. Like, I'm not trying to shit on you, Gen Z, but I just wish that you guys would acknowledge that you haven't seen fuck off. Just say, like, I've only seen, like, six movies, and I enjoyed this, and I don't have an opinion. Like, I'm sorry.
Jagger May:Was that a dick move? I'll shut up.
Alfredo Brown:No. It it's it's fine. Sam, I I finished this movie, and everyone in the car with me was just like, I loved it. It was great. And I was just really?
Alfredo Brown:Okay. Elaborate on And it made me ask myself, am I just not having fun at the movies anymore? Or are the movies doing this to us?
Jagger May:It's that. You're fatigued, dog. You are franchise fatigued.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. It's a franchise fatigue. I agree. Because the my I do have a couple issues with this movie. Again, because we did such a deep rewatch and reread of all the content, The idea that there's another island that has dinosaurs.
Samantha Holt:Okay. Fine. Because of lost world, they all escaped, and they gravitated somewhere. Fine. I believe that.
Samantha Holt:But then that they happened upon the one island that they were doing experiments on, which is taken from lost world. The I'm gonna go with the book on this reference. And in the book, they did reference this saying that they had the other site where they were working on dinosaurs. And when it didn't work out well, they never made it to the big theme park island. But they never elaborated on they made monsters in terms of what came out.
Samantha Holt:They just said that they died. They didn't survive. There was disease. There was a lot of normal things that happen when you're trying to do genetic slicing rather than, you know, two headed goat coming out. Just kind of a different set, like, segue in terms of how they approach them.
Samantha Holt:So they happen upon the mutant island. Okay. I guess I get that. Why are we calling it rebirth when nothing's coming no. Nothing's new.
Samantha Holt:Everything is old. So I have a bigger issue with, like, what they're trying to do to start this off. Like, rebirth in terms of franchise? Okay. I guess I get it.
Samantha Holt:But it's not at all a reference to what's happening in the movie. So I have a bigger issue with just the title and then most other things of like, okay. If you're trying to start something off from new, but it's you're gonna go with mutant dinosaurs, don't start with brand new mutant dinosaurs because technically, these are really old. Nothing new has been made for a very long time.
Jagger May:Yep. I'm happy you said something like that because I think I like that a lot.
Alfredo Brown:It's this is like the chocolate bunny of movies. It's just like it's it's pretty from the outside and just hollow on the inside. And it's like I
Jagger May:love chocolate.
Alfredo Brown:You get it at you oh, but that's the thing. Everybody does. And, like, you get it as a present, and then you start eating it. You're like, this is just chocolate. Like, why was I so excited about this?
Alfredo Brown:It's because the packaging was pretty, and it seemed nice from the outside. Then you start eating it. You're like, well, that's over. That was an ex that certainly was an experience. That's how I felt after this movie.
Alfredo Brown:I was just like, this is definitely the most recent Jurassic Park movie I have watched.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I I think sorry. I just wanna get this in. The thing about Jurassic World movies, particularly, I think Jurassic Park did a little bit better, but Jurassic Park was story first then visuals. I think a lot of these movies now are spectacle visuals and then slap on a story and hope for the best. And so I think that approach is very much indicative of today's society where it's just like like you said, Alfredo, as long as the patchy packaging looks good, as long as it's shiny, people will love it even if this there's no substance to it.
Matthew Kopfhamer:So I think I think you make a very valid point where this script was seriously lacking as far as, like, from a story standpoint, from a logical standpoint. I think a couple of tweaks would have made it better, and they would have get got a higher score. I think if you would have started with that family, they get in trouble with the mosasaur. They end up washed up on this island. They they do a, whatchamacall, SOS beacon, and then it's Scarjo's team coming to rescue them because they've been hired by whoever owns the island still to to make sure shit doesn't go bad, then that would have been a better premise in the whole, we need a new miracle drug.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Like, that part was a little weak. So, yeah, I think a couple of tweaks would have made the story better, but I think at the end of the day, this kinda goes back to the roots of what made Jurassic Park special, which was that, you know, we brought dinosaurs back. Oh god. What have we done? And this is the aftermath of, like, we made some really shitty decisions because we didn't like Malcolm said in the first movie, we never stopped to consider, should we be doing this?
Matthew Kopfhamer:We just thought, could we do this? And so I I think, again, it's trying to show the hubris of man in a really clunky way. And I I think just streamlining some of these story elements would have made it a better movie, but it's still, I think, better than the last three iterations we got.
Jagger May:Well, no no, Ben like, there's no debating on that. And I guess just to put a pin on this, I was just gonna admit to you guys that I think I'm just becoming, like, maybe just too pretentious, or it's a little bit of franchise fatigue.
Alfredo Brown:That's how I felt.
Jagger May:It's just like oh, thanks, cough. No,
Matthew Kopfhamer:it's fucked.
Jagger May:Just like I'm tired of predicting every movie, you know, where it's just, like, we're gonna do the thing. We're gonna do the thing. And, like, I'm coming to this realization, like, I've been really busy, so it's been a lot of rewatch, that I'm just fucking old now, man. None of the shit I like any I'm I think I'm getting too old for Marvel now. Like, this shit ain't hitting like it used to.
Jagger May:Maybe I'm just in the shitty part of it. I'm getting too
Matthew Kopfhamer:old Yeah.
Jagger May:It's just all the shit is just kinda lost. And all the things that I enjoy and I I do like, they either bastardize it, let's say, like, Squid Game, where that's something that's unique, and then, like, well, we gotta franchise it, and then they kill it like that. Or it's just stuff that we can't even talk about on here because it it can't get in front of eyes. You know? And it's just we're just, like, in a bad spot.
Jagger May:You know?
Alfredo Brown:By the way, I never gave my score. It's probably gonna sound like I was a lot lower. I'm at a five and a half. I I almost gave Alfredo. That's pretty low.
Alfredo Brown:That is low for
Jagger May:That is one of the lowest.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. It's on, acolyte and doom prophecy territory right now, which is not not not great. Wolf. Bantha voodoo. It it, like, it tried to do the things this is basically, I can't call it Jurassic Park Force Awakens, but it's it's it really tried doing a, like,
Jagger May:a bunch
Alfredo Brown:of callbacks. You get the Titanosaurus, right, which is supposed to be them seeing the Brontosaurus and, like, pulling down the glasses and being in awe. They move in herds, Alfredo. They apparently, but they're you can't see them in in four foot tall grass, and then magically, they appear over the hill. It's just hundreds of them.
Alfredo Brown:They swap the kids.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Dino sex scene?
Alfredo Brown:Oh, yeah. Where they're just rubbing necks? It's hobby style. It's just Andy and and Dino. I was like, wait
Samantha Holt:a minute. I've seen these long tails before. Is this Avatar?
Alfredo Brown:Andy and Angela from the office, we've been necking, but just necking.
Jagger May:Dude, they
Alfredo Brown:they swapped they swapped out the kids and the raptors in the kitchen for a gas station, which coughed. I'm asking you before the show. Why is it, like, a convenience store style gas station? I get the the scientists need snacks. I get the vehicles need gas, but they basically just put, like, a Wawa in the middle of the island.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah.
Jagger May:Very corroborating. I actually believe it. They're like, how do we make money off our employees? I I truly believe that.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I feel
Jagger May:like but I feel
Matthew Kopfhamer:like corporations corporations are, like, make it more utilitarian. Stop wasting money on advertisements. Like, just make it save water, and they'll buy yeah. Who gives a shit? They're scientists.
Matthew Kopfhamer:They'll through
Jagger May:style, whether it's just a bunch of, like, vault boy where, like, if it's super happy
Alfredo Brown:and creepy, you'll
Jagger May:do it. You know? Like, it's
Samantha Holt:yeah. Like, they had
Jagger May:But just seeing, like, the racks
Matthew Kopfhamer:of Lay's potato chips. It was
Alfredo Brown:There was a scene where there was, like, a like, a a dinosaur cardboard cutout that was making like, it had a an audio thing there. Yeah. Who was that for? This isn't this isn't, like, for consumers to
Jagger May:come in. This isn't
Alfredo Brown:a theme park. There shouldn't be anything.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Make it whimsical for our scientists.
Alfredo Brown:I I guess so. Like, let's keep them that's corporate culture. That is the Jurassic World version of a pizza party.
Jagger May:I I was like, I think it's the most accurate part of this movie right there. That a company would think this will fix our work culture, not just like health insurance and balanced work culture. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:We need to any of the harassment issues or any of the overtime things. Slap on a cartoon dinosaur. It'll be fine.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. So we we talked about this, like, where if I I do think they're gonna have, like, two more movies as, like, until they're just gonna run this thing into the ground until we stop going to see it, and we won't because dinosaurs in the movie theater. It's awesome. Yeah. Especially for EX.
Alfredo Brown:That that's gotta be so cool. I have a bad feeling because it starts with Dolores, our little Oh, the Mudangosaurus. Groguosaurus. Yeah.
Jagger May:She's cute. Yeah. Dora Dora the Explorer and her Mudangosaurus. The whole.
Matthew Kopfhamer:That that dinosaur is doomed.
Alfredo Brown:Yes. They do.
Jagger May:The whole premise is that
Alfredo Brown:these dinosaurs can't live anywhere else, and she's like, I'm
Samantha Holt:a dick. Gets it home.
Jagger May:First of all, you can't get
Alfredo Brown:that shit through customs. Okay? I'm just gonna say that right now.
Jagger May:TSA will not allow that. They do
Alfredo Brown:not allow let you bring back bananas. Like, you're definitely not bringing back my protein powder.
Samantha Holt:Like, crying out loud.
Matthew Kopfhamer:There's no Oh, yeah. There's no customs on a boat. You're fine. Like, it'll be fine.
Jagger May:There's a 100% customs on a boat, dog. What? That was that was some
Alfredo Brown:white shit that you just said.
Matthew Kopfhamer:On your own sailboat? Yeah. No.
Jagger May:You're fine. There's customs, dog. You can't
Alfredo Brown:Puff just thinks that people should on boats everywhere.
Jagger May:Like, we're behind on time. Do you know why people came to Florida on a fucking door? Get past customs.
Alfredo Brown:Hey. Worked for Elian Gonzalez. That's probably a really dated reference for everyone.
Jagger May:It is. I have no clue who you're talking about. That's
Matthew Kopfhamer:It's a it's a big deal in Florida. It's a big deal.
Alfredo Brown:He's a little the little Cuban boy that, like, washed up ashore, said he rode dolphins here, and then basically, old school ice took him. Yeah. It's it's a whole thing.
Jagger May:I'm gonna
Alfredo Brown:Google it. Like, you were
Matthew Kopfhamer:like, go
Jagger May:back to Cuba. Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Okay. So we all gave this a review score, but now let's do this. Let's rank the films. There's seven Jurassic films.
Alfredo Brown:Right? Let's start with the most recent one, Rebirth, and let's work our way back to, I think, everyone's probably favorite, Jurassic Park. So let's do this. Jurassic World oh oh, did Sam just smile? Do you have me worried?
Samantha Holt:Oh god. No. I love that movie. Jurassic Park one.
Alfredo Brown:Okay. Yeah. Okay. Alright. I that would have been a good teaser.
Alfredo Brown:I'm not
Jagger May:gonna lie.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Dominion number one.
Alfredo Brown:Let's let's start
Jagger May:flying. Start with p three.
Alfredo Brown:I'm the raptors. Jurassic World Rebirth. We all gave it the score. Where do we have it ranked amongst the series? Koff, let's start with you.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I have it number four.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. Four. Jack, where do you have this ranked?
Jagger May:Three. And it's because I think it's the same movie as j p three. I just think these people were collectively less stupid, and that that that matters for me. Like, these say what you want about these kids. They were the best kids in the franchise.
Jagger May:Like, they they weren't just like, I'm gonna be kidding. Scream.
Alfredo Brown:The kid at three was pretty resourceful. He had smoke grenades and shit. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:He collected his dino pit, like T Rex pit?
Jagger May:Jonathan Taylor Thomas looking fucker back then. He just put the the hair and shit.
Samantha Holt:We liked that.
Alfredo Brown:My age is little bit I
Samantha Holt:was raised on that. How dare
Matthew Kopfhamer:you? I'm sounds jealous.
Jagger May:Hate the nineties white boy archetype. I hate it.
Matthew Kopfhamer:You hate all white boys. Alright,
Alfredo Brown:Sam. Where do you have
Jagger May:this one ranked?
Samantha Holt:I have it at four two, actually.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. I'm at the same spot. Four.
Jagger May:Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:So across the board, that's gonna put it at 3.75 for us. Jurassic World Dominion.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Fucking seven.
Jagger May:I have I have it 7.
Alfredo Brown:I have it last.
Matthew Kopfhamer:77. 8 if I could. Jag,
Samantha Holt:where
Alfredo Brown:do you have this one?
Jagger May:Which one is it? Dominion we're on?
Alfredo Brown:Dominion. Welcome back to the show.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. We're going Locust one.
Jagger May:No. I was actually I was I'm on IMDb right
Alfredo Brown:now because I was like, what is this movie?
Samantha Holt:Which one
Alfredo Brown:was it? It's Jurassic World Endgame. Everyone comes back. What is
Jagger May:can I can I rank it? Eight?
Alfredo Brown:Four or seven. Movies. Yeah.
Jagger May:Go for it. I'm talking about the animated series on Netflix. Never watched it.
Alfredo Brown:What? Camp Cretaceous.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Camp Cretaceous.
Jagger May:I'm assuming it's better.
Alfredo Brown:I'm gonna say. There's apparently a
Matthew Kopfhamer:short film.
Jagger May:Like a
Alfredo Brown:ten minute film. And the something or whatever.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. I don't know.
Alfredo Brown:They're all better. Alright. So Dominion Dominion's a clear last.
Samantha Holt:Dominion's clearly last.
Alfredo Brown:That's so that's so disappointing.
Jagger May:Yeah. I was I trying to be be in the animated show. I was just like, definitely gonna like, how do I rank this? How do
Matthew Kopfhamer:I how do I
Samantha Holt:rank it lower? Looking for,
Alfredo Brown:like, dinosaur clone wars online, seeing what we got.
Samantha Holt:Check for Lost Ark Rebels. Isn't there a raptor priest movie?
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Velociphaster. Velociphaster.
Jagger May:And it
Matthew Kopfhamer:is than dominion.
Alfredo Brown:It's not connected, but yes. It's like those off brand timeline? It's it's those off brand adjacent movies. Like, remember there used to be Transmorphers Brooklyn brand. That came out, like, right after Transformers.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. Next one on here. Jurassic world fallen kingdom. This is the one where volcano kills all the dinosaurs. It's super sad for a minute there, and then they go to the The dinosaurs in mansion.
Alfredo Brown:You get the Indoraptor that kills people that have lasers on it, and then the clone girl lets out all the dinosaurs at the end. And yeah. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Just world dominion. Yeah. Six.
Alfredo Brown:Or fallen kingdom. Six. Cough? Six? Six.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Six. Yeah.
Samantha Holt:Six.
Alfredo Brown:I'm at a six as well. Jags?
Jagger May:Six. Six. Yeah. Okay.
Alfredo Brown:Now the see, these were simple. These were simple. This I wasn't worried about these. Alright. Here we go.
Alfredo Brown:This is where things might get a little interesting. Jurassic World. This is twenty something years later. The park finally opens. They call it Jurassic World, and we've got Chris Pratt.
Alfredo Brown:He is a animal behavior specialist that just basically puts his hands off raptors. Does the iron man thing to the raptors? He's like, no. Cut the shit.
Jagger May:It's the 11 hand from stranger things. He just, like, does this, and then stuff happens.
Samantha Holt:I'll put our hands in.
Alfredo Brown:We have Bryce Dallas Howard just looking fantastic in this, but then she gets stuck running around the entire island in heels. We got two kids that we really don't care about, and you got a hamster ball. So, like, there's a lot of cool shit in here. And then the Indominus Rex. Sure.
Alfredo Brown:It's white.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Why not?
Samantha Holt:It changes color.
Alfredo Brown:That's true. That's true.
Jagger May:Thank you, Sam. Thank you for the sunshine there. We needed
Matthew Kopfhamer:that camouflage.
Samantha Holt:Color. It camouflages.
Alfredo Brown:The Indominus is white.
Samantha Holt:Temperature because of
Matthew Kopfhamer:all the things was like pack.
Alfredo Brown:Is getting ahead. She's doing the bee rabbit and getting ahead of all the people in the comments that are like, Thank you. Yeah. Thanks.
Jagger May:Thanks.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. Jurassic World, by the way, criminally underused Jake Johnson in this. I would have just seen two more movies.
Samantha Holt:Hilarious.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It was good.
Alfredo Brown:I've got this ranked second. I actually really enjoyed this movie. It's Wow. We ended up getting the Chris Pratt fatigue later at this time. I think this was to steal the term from the ringer and the rewatchables.
Alfredo Brown:This was his Apex mountain. I don't think there was, like, there was a bigger time for Chris Pratt coming off of Guardians. He gets to do Jurassic Park, and he is being looked at as, like, the next action star. And then we're like, oh, now we've seen four of your movies, and I I think we're good. Like, we're we're we're done.
Alfredo Brown:And the movie was fine. Like, it was good. That to me says way more about the franchise itself.
Jagger May:Yeah. I was there for Bryce Dallas Howard, not Chris Pratt. I it's not even close.
Alfredo Brown:Do you have motorcycle was record different audiences.
Samantha Holt:It's fine.
Alfredo Brown:Sam Sam was definitely there for Chris Pratt. And Jake Johnson.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. Why not?
Jagger May:Yeah. He's a type. Some some women like that. Inside, I'm like that. On the outside, I'm
Alfredo Brown:Okay. I don't know where to go from there. What's where do you have this one ranked?
Jagger May:Me? Yeah. Sure. You. Oh, Yeah.
Jagger May:It's four.
Matthew Kopfhamer:No. It's a five.
Jagger May:It's a
Matthew Kopfhamer:five. Jeez.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. I think
Matthew Kopfhamer:it's a five. Yeah. I think it's a five as well.
Jagger May:I forgot JP's. Like, all the JP's are better than all of these movies. Yes. The
Matthew Kopfhamer:thing the thing about Jurassic World is it was for the first well, it's a two hour movie. Like, the first ninety minutes is good, and then that last thirty minutes just falls apart. It's just a mess.
Jagger May:That's how, the the second one is too. The second one, I'm kind of on
Matthew Kopfhamer:board the San Diego.
Jagger May:Yeah, dude. Like like, a lot of these movies, the Jurassic World, the ends fucking suck, man. They're just like, what's the dumbest thing we can do? What's they go full MCU cheesy show about it.
Alfredo Brown:It's always just one die one big dinosaur stops the other big dinosaur.
Matthew Kopfhamer:And it
Jagger May:has to scream. Just scream.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah.
Jagger May:Or Derpus Rex.
Alfredo Brown:But that's why, like, I'm
Matthew Kopfhamer:finding That's how the first movie the first movie ends that way. So, like, we gotta copy it for everyone moving forward even though it's not
Jagger May:Do the roar. Do the roar.
Alfredo Brown:The roar. The roar. But,
Matthew Kopfhamer:like, the whole like, the T Rex the T Rex gets, you know, lured out to fight the Indominus, then, oh, the T Rex and Blue team up, but they're still not strong enough to beat the and then the Mosasaurus comes out of nowhere and takes him out.
Alfredo Brown:Dino Avengers, man. No.
Matthew Kopfhamer:He's just one of those it just fell apart. Dino two furious.
Jagger May:Where we're Okay.
Alfredo Brown:Two time two. Still think it's better than Jurassic Park three where just a random man in a suit shows up on a beach.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Nah. I like that. That it could've The whole fucking the whole army. The whole army.
Samantha Holt:Right behind him is the army and the marines.
Alfredo Brown:That you could not see. That you could not see.
Jagger May:They were biggest hang up? Like, actually, I
Alfredo Brown:so many hang ups. But if we're talking about the ending sucking, like, that was bad. Biggest hang up is definitely talking Raptor in the plane. Just gonna just gonna
Matthew Kopfhamer:say Bro, that was a dream sequence. It was only ten seconds. That was great. I thought it was great.
Alfredo Brown:I'm watching Jags wheels going through his head. He's like, fuck. There was talking raptor
Jagger May:in the sun.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It was a PTSD dream. It made sense for the character. Because he literally had gone through the worst thing of his life. He's like, I'm never going back to that fucking island again. Okay.
Matthew Kopfhamer:And they're like, oh, I guess I'm going back to the island.
Jagger May:Except for money. That's what
Alfredo Brown:Sam, where do you have Jurassic World rigged?
Samantha Holt:So I have Jurassic World at three, because I have JP three at five.
Alfredo Brown:Vindication. There we go.
Samantha Holt:But I will I just wanna say one more thing about Rebirth. I am still so upset that we didn't get more Raptors in rebirth. Yes. We got They're flying raptors.
Alfredo Brown:And we got a raptor on We got angry chickens. Yeah. This was Yeah. Yeah. I was afraid
Matthew Kopfhamer:about the metadons.
Samantha Holt:I really wanted more raptors. If they had killed the boyfriend, I would have felt better about it. Fucking good. Cool. We got a raptor death, but we didn't get a single one.
Samantha Holt:And when I as soon as they're in the tall grass before they get to the big dinosaurs, I'm like, this the raptor part.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Raptor time.
Samantha Holt:Like, callback. Love it. Callback. Don't go into the tall grass. Would have loved that.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. JP two. Didn't get it. And I I mean, I love JP three for a lot of, like, silly reasons because I think that them printing out the one part of the dinosaur that can make the sound that the raptors do and they use it to get away is kind of like, okay. That's kinda cool because, you know, you got three d printing.
Samantha Holt:And I don't feel like three d printing was very big back then. But that that was really fun. So, yeah, I feel like Jurassic World solid three for me because I do love the nostalgic callbacks. I feel like there's a lot of things in the park functioning that were actually in the book. So all of the different, you know, homing devices on each dinosaur, that's accurate to the book.
Samantha Holt:They had that when they were doing counts of how many dinosaurs are there. Lots of different functional things of had the park worked from the book, this would have been the park. So that there was a lot of stuff that I did like. But, yeah, I do feel like, obviously, that a lot of things fell apart towards the end. One small fish equal big fish equal big fish.
Samantha Holt:It's like to eat them all. It was literally bigger fish.
Alfredo Brown:Then the mosasaurus.
Samantha Holt:Just like although the death of the mosasaurus eating the nanny that gets taken away by the pterodactyls was pretty funny.
Alfredo Brown:She was one
Matthew Kopfhamer:of her
Jagger May:she had to go and
Samantha Holt:she she needed to go, so it was pretty funny.
Jagger May:Alright. So I will say pterosaurs, I think they're more terrifying than raptors because they just they're they're sky raptors. They're literally sky raptors. Like, use that more often.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I I almost That's what I liked about j p three. J p three finally brings in the aviary and shows how scary the flying fucking tyrannosaurus can be. So I thought that was a great great point of j p three.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Alright. Well, then let's rank it.
Matthew Kopfhamer:That's why it's higher.
Alfredo Brown:Where do we have
Matthew Kopfhamer:That's why it's higher.
Alfredo Brown:Sure. Hire where? Where do have it? Fall. Trace.
Alfredo Brown:3.
Matthew Kopfhamer:See, because I have
Alfredo Brown:Thank you for getting
Matthew Kopfhamer:I have rebirth at I have rebirth at four, so I have JP3 at three.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. And then, Jack, you said you have it at four?
Jagger May:Yeah. Just swap JP3 and rebirth because I like the kids better. And I like the the I I don't I like the boyfriend. He was a fuck ass, but he was like I hated him. That's how Gen Z is, though.
Jagger May:They like like, them young age
Alfredo Brown:He offered weed to, like, a seven year old. What are we doing? Do you smoke?
Jagger May:These kids are idiots.
Alfredo Brown:These kids
Jagger May:are idiots.
Alfredo Brown:That's fair. Big thumbs up for our audience out here.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Sorry. What did the girlfriend see in him? I wanna know. What was her reasoning for liking him? Like, he saves
Alfredo Brown:her life. Side I see. The naked side?
Matthew Kopfhamer:The naked side.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Like, dude was down there pounding this guy's daughter while he's sailing the boat. And then he's like, hey. It's your shift. He's like, oh, I'm so tired.
Alfredo Brown:I only slept till 6PM. Like, this is the guy that in the movies is supposed to die. It actually bothered me.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I was
Jagger May:surprised he had, like, rattle a pill bottle, and he's just like, we're low on plan b's, pop. We gotta hit port.
Samantha Holt:Good lord.
Alfredo Brown:Lord, let me be, boss. Oh god.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I'm not gonna lie. As our father and we got washed ashore on the island, I'm throwing that boyfriend behind us. So he gets eaten first. Like, he's bait immediately.
Alfredo Brown:By the way, the dad, really good actor, by the way, the Lincoln lawyer, but he went from being
Matthew Kopfhamer:hurt surprisingly chill.
Alfredo Brown:Like, his leg being messed up to them, like, not having a problem with his leg at all. It went back and forth a lot. Like, it's yeah. Yeah.
Jagger May:What was wrong? Was it, like, a week? Was it just, like, I'm old and I stood up too fast? I
Alfredo Brown:think he tweaked knee
Matthew Kopfhamer:or something.
Alfredo Brown:No. His, like, his leg He got caught on the butt. Yes.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. And it tweaked his knee or some shit. Like, he sprained it.
Samantha Holt:It didn't even look like it hurt that bad. It looked like an old person hurt kind of.
Alfredo Brown:It was like, he's just a bitch.
Matthew Kopfhamer:He's just an old man.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Alright. Bitch. I rank Jurassic Park three fifth, on the timeline here. It's a fun movie.
Alfredo Brown:Like, I actually genuinely love the Spinosaur. Yep. That fight versus the T rex, super cool.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Great.
Alfredo Brown:And if anything, I felt like they kinda nerfed it in this recent movie where it's like, you're just kinda the Mosasaur's bitch. We're like So I don't know. Like, it's I
Matthew Kopfhamer:read somewhere that the the Spinosaurus from Jurassic Park three is not only bigger, but it's also it's because it was a mutation. Mutated. They were fucking they were fucking with its DNA to make it bigger, stronger, faster, whatever. That's why it's so aggressive. That's why.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yep. That's why it's so aggressive. That's why it's so lethal versus these new spinosaurus, which are more historically accurate with this the connected spine. And it's it's a mosasaurus is like it's a yeah. So maybe that's all bullshit from the Internet, but I don't Well,
Alfredo Brown:It's it's an enjoyable movie because it's so simple. It's so contained, and, like, that's why I'm gonna put it, like, right here in the middle. But I think I I did a rewatch recently. I used to love this movie because I saw it as a kid in theaters and after not seeing the second one. And I had that, like, that that childhood thing, and then I rewatched it again recently, and I was like, so why did the movie happen?
Alfredo Brown:Like, there was there was really not like, there wasn't a premise to the movie. It was just simply
Matthew Kopfhamer:was on vacation with the uncle, and
Jagger May:they got trapped in
Matthew Kopfhamer:the island. Then the uncle died. And then the kid was stuck by himself, and then the parents
Jagger May:went crazy. Actually, was it was stepdaddy, wasn't it? It wasn't even the uncle. It was.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Was it stepdaddy?
Alfredo Brown:No. It was uncle. It was the uncle.
Matthew Kopfhamer:It was uncle.
Samantha Holt:Oh. Think it was the stepdad.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Because they the parents were separated, but, like, nobody knew about it because they separated after the kid was
Alfredo Brown:placed. It's the uncle. It's it's totally too.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. I
Alfredo Brown:thought it was uncle. He calls
Jagger May:him uncle.
Samantha Holt:Are we gonna are we gonna have five minutes of whether or not he's
Matthew Kopfhamer:I just rewatched this last weekend.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. It's totally the uncle.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Was the uncle.
Alfredo Brown:You know what? No. I'm good on this. Like, I can't
Jagger May:do this. I'm not arguing that hard, guys. I just I got the, I'm trying to buy my stepson's
Alfredo Brown:love vibes. Eric Eric Kirby is the uncle of of the of the boy. Okay.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Oh, nope. Nope.
Alfredo Brown:I'm wrong. We're wrong, cough. We're wrong.
Matthew Kopfhamer:We're what?
Jagger May:Wrong. Eric Kuzene is a 12
Alfredo Brown:year old boy. Ben Hildebrand was the late boyfriend of Amanda Kirby following her divorce. Thank you.
Samantha Holt:Oh my god. Just an occasion. Let's go.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Because I could've sworn they said uncle I thought
Alfredo Brown:he was the
Matthew Kopfhamer:uncle movie.
Jagger May:No. Yeah. Well, they said
Samantha Holt:it, but they they said he's like, oh, he was friends.
Alfredo Brown:Maybe it's like uncle. Like, you know, the uncle that's that's
Matthew Kopfhamer:has, like, revealed as the boyfriend name.
Jagger May:Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. And it's that kind of how he
Samantha Holt:was he was with friend. Uncle Ben? Yeah. Because they're saying, why would you send the
Alfredo Brown:kid on his own? That's a thing.
Jagger May:I'm trying to buy his love is what he's doing. You're like, you wanna go see dinosaurs?
Matthew Kopfhamer:You wanna go on an adventure? Yeah. Okay.
Jagger May:You have money and
Samantha Holt:tons of distant yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I could have sworn they said uncle at the beginning of that movie.
Alfredo Brown:I I heard it too. Whatever.
Jagger May:Now I want you guys to think about your childhood and think about all the people that were called uncle who aren't actually your uncle.
Alfredo Brown:Oh, okay. Oh.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Santa Claus, are you banging my mom?
Jagger May:That's literally what I was thinking. It's always sunny. Just like You're like, no. Uncle Tim. Uncle Tim.
Jagger May:You're just a Nick starting game in random uncles.
Alfredo Brown:Oh my god. Alright. Next up on here.
Matthew Kopfhamer:You mean
Alfredo Brown:The Lost World, Jurassic Park, confusing title, but solid movie. It is the second in the film's franchise. Koff, you've got it at two. Guys, you know what works awesome for audio is holding up fingers. So everyone Why do I get a party?
Alfredo Brown:Because you're I don't know. You're probably using an iPhone or something some sort of Apple device. So everyone
Matthew Kopfhamer:has rank that two.
Alfredo Brown:I have it ranked at three. What? Because
Jagger May:I put
Alfredo Brown:because I
Matthew Kopfhamer:because because his I already said it was Jurassic World. What? I yeah. Put Jurassic World.
Alfredo Brown:No. That's not it. That's not it.
Jagger May:No. It's price telling
Matthew Kopfhamer:it's a Dallas
Alfredo Brown:It's a more fun movie. But, like, I lost world is not a bad movie at all. It gets a little boring at times. The San Diego thing is just kind of, you know, weird. It's a little silly.
Alfredo Brown:Jeff Goldbyn's a great actor. I love him, but I love him in, like, a supporting role, not as the main guy. And then you got, like, military Vince Vaughn, Julianne Moore, who's, like, the
Samantha Holt:He's not military Vince Vaughn. Is a photographer that goes into crazy areas and takes amazing Warzone.
Jagger May:But is actually a spy and saboteur Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:That's what I'm saying.
Jagger May:He's a saboteurist.
Matthew Kopfhamer:He's a photographer.
Samantha Holt:He is a photographer.
Alfredo Brown:Alright. We're googling this shit now.
Jagger May:We're all Oh, he's photographer too. It has its problems. And it
Samantha Holt:It does.
Matthew Kopfhamer:He sabotages the one rifle guy because he doesn't want him to shoot the animals. Yeah. Yeah.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. Yes.
Jagger May:Right. I I think the daughter's He's an actor. That's how the book kinda works Like, kids sneaking on somewhere is fucking stupid. Like, what is this? They also planet We have
Matthew Kopfhamer:snow waves. Movie the movie literally combines two book characters. The two kids from the books, they combine it to one girl, and they're like, oh, by the way, it's also Ian Malcolm's daughter.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. But they didn't even do that the right way because the kids in the books are really, really smart. Like, they're science smart.
Matthew Kopfhamer:The reason they find the, yeah, they find the island because of the kids and their computer
Samantha Holt:skills. Computers. Like like yeah. And his daughter, I mean
Matthew Kopfhamer:This one, they're like, she's black and she's a gymnast.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. End of story. They took away any signs of
Jagger May:They didn't exploit autistic kids to find an island.
Alfredo Brown:It's what they did. Wish you could have seen more of doctor Malcolm's kids. More He said he had, like, five
Matthew Kopfhamer:He had five kids. Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:More franchises need to harness the power of autism. We saw it in the predator. Now we need to see it in Okay. Okay.
Jagger May:I I just fucking delete that movie from
Alfredo Brown:Redelete that movie. Man. It's so good. Alright. Last one on here, which I think it's it's obvious for all of us.
Alfredo Brown:Number one
Matthew Kopfhamer:across the world
Alfredo Brown:of Jurassic Park.
Samantha Holt:Jurassic Park.
Alfredo Brown:What a beautiful movie. What a phenomenal
Jagger May:I'd Still holds up. Up.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Oh god. It still looks great.
Alfredo Brown:Not even just a good, like, sci fi movie. It's just a fucking good movie. Yeah. It's crazy that the book is actually better.
Jagger May:Terror. It is.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Legit terror in the scene with the raptors in the kitchen stalking the kids. Like, that shit gets your heart fucking going.
Jagger May:The dilophosaur is is fucking, like, terrifying too. Nedry? We've never even seen that shit before. We're just like yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. Yeah. That shit was cool.
Samantha Holt:One of my favorite
Matthew Kopfhamer:kills for sure. And then Nedry's just like, oh, well, you stupid animal and just throws the stick at him.
Samantha Holt:Yeah. Yeah.
Alfredo Brown:That was the other callback, by the way, in Rebirth is
Jagger May:He drives
Alfredo Brown:his character driving soup like, fast as fuck on an island that he's not familiar with. Yeah. Just Yeah. Yeah.
Matthew Kopfhamer:With an open top vehicle. There's no fucking security.
Samantha Holt:So That's actually from the second book.
Jagger May:Oh, really? Oh. Yeah. I was glad to see him die because Rupert Friend, I can't unsee him as the fucking inquisitor from Obi Wan.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah.
Jagger May:And I'm like, kill this motherfucker. I get like, just do it.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. And
Samantha Holt:what it means from the second book is the driving scene with an open top Jeep wildly to try and get to a boat. That happens in the second book.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yeah. And was that which character was that too? That
Alfredo Brown:was King.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Oh, that's right. Yep. God. Fuck that guy. I'm glad he fell out of ditch.
Alfredo Brown:I have not read this book.
Samantha Holt:It's good. This one. It's good too.
Alfredo Brown:That's the next one. Alright. So it looks like we've got our official rankings here. I'm gonna read them off to you guys from bottom to top. So at number seven, we've got Jurassic World Dominion.
Alfredo Brown:At six, it's Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. At five, we've got Jurassic Park three. At four, it's Jurassic World rebirth. At three, it's Jurassic World. At two, it's The Lost World Jurassic Park.
Alfredo Brown:And at one, it is Jurassic Park.
Jagger May:Sam, where did you where did you rank Jurassic World? How is it sitting up that high?
Alfredo Brown:She has it
Samantha Holt:at three. She has it at at five. Callbacks.
Matthew Kopfhamer:She had she had rebirth at five. Yeah. You and I have have three higher than that.
Samantha Holt:No. No. I have I have rebirth at four, and I have JP three at five.
Alfredo Brown:Okay. Okay. Peak behind the curtain. Rebirth and Jurassic World tied at 3.75, but Jurassic World has higher scores. Has has, like it actually has a two on there.
Alfredo Brown:You got me? Yeah. Alright. Fine. See what you did with your
Samantha Holt:with your scoring. You made it do the bell curve thing.
Jagger May:That's right. That's fine. I'm just saying. I was just curious.
Alfredo Brown:Next time you guys do the spreadsheet during while we're recording.
Samantha Holt:No. Math is hard.
Alfredo Brown:I want to.
Jagger May:So I'm not trying to argue that hard about it.
Alfredo Brown:No. It's not that big of a deal.
Jagger May:But Hi, Mac. This was fun.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. It was fun. Mhmm. It's fun, man.
Samantha Holt:Thorough rewatch and reread. If you haven't read the books, you should read the books because they're so much better than all the movies.
Matthew Kopfhamer:And they're very they're quick. They're quick reads. They're, like, ten hours ten, twelve hours a piece. Like, you can get through them in a in a couple days.
Samantha Holt:Audio.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. That's probably gonna be what I'm doing next. Which
Jagger May:We started a book club, guys. We started
Samantha Holt:a club.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Yay. It
Samantha Holt:was fun. Book family, like, what party are you at? That was so much fun.
Matthew Kopfhamer:Mhmm.
Alfredo Brown:Guys, coming up next, Who else has who else has the early screening ticket for Superman?
Samantha Holt:I do not.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I think it's just you and Jack.
Jagger May:It's me
Alfredo Brown:it's me and Jack. Alright. Jack, I think you and me, Wednesday morning, we're doing the early screening reaction to Superman here. That sound fun? We wanna do that for the audience?
Alfredo Brown:Mhmm. Jack's like, alright. Guess.
Matthew Kopfhamer:I'm gonna I'm gonna pay. So exciting.
Jagger May:Dude, I'm gonna wear my fucking mister terrific.
Alfredo Brown:Let's go.
Jagger May:Fuck you, bro.
Alfredo Brown:Let's go. I'll get a I'll go get a I'll go get a bowl cut wig to be Guy Gardner, and we're gonna fuck shit up.
Jagger May:Yeah. I don't want you to do that. But Get
Matthew Kopfhamer:a bald cap. Get a get a bald cap. Go full ex loot there.
Alfredo Brown:No. No. No. No. No.
Alfredo Brown:I'm more likely to bring my dog on just to in support of crypto here. Dude, I'll I feel like we're getting
Jagger May:a lot No.
Alfredo Brown:Fuck you. No. Shut up. Shut up. Up.
Alfredo Brown:Yeah. Wow.
Jagger May:Send us on.
Alfredo Brown:Send us on. Hates Jack hates kids and pets. I don't hate want them in movies.
Jagger May:He loves it.
Alfredo Brown:Back again on Wednesday, giving you guys our early reactions to Superman. Then, of course, on Monday, July 14, we're gonna be back with our full review of Superman with everyone on here. We're really excited for this movie. We need it now more than ever in theaters. And honestly, I'm excited.
Alfredo Brown:This is the summer that the movie theater is coming back. As always, I want to thank everybody for watching and listening all the way through for myself, for cough, for Jack, for Sam. We will see you next time.